The Misadventures of Kalas and Co
by turquoisefox
Summary: Kalas and his party are searching the world for Magnus to help them defeat Malpercio. Problem is, they're having better luck finding trouble instead.
1. When Greythornes Attack!

It seemed like a peaceful day in Cebalrai. The sun was shining, Pows were mooing, and bluebirds were singing (or at least, the ones that hadn't been eaten by fat men with a liking for roast bird.) Our heroes had decided to take a break from their adventure and have a picnic.

There was one problem, though-it's hard to have a picnic without food, and the night before, somebody had apparently eaten the largest midnight snack in history. Nobody had confessed, though all fingers pointed at Gibari and his gigantic appetite. No matter who had eaten all the food, it was Xelha who volunteered to do the grocery shopping. Everyone else decided to play poker while they waited for her to get back.

"Full house. I win again" Savyna grinned smugly.  
"Aw, man" Kalas groaned. "I swear, I have the worst luck"  
"Maybe Kalas shouldn't take poker tips from his guardian spirit" suggested Mizuti. Kalas snickered.  
"I heard that" screeched the voice inside Kalas's head. "  
"Deal again" Gibari urged. "I'm feeling like my luck is about to change."  
"He said that the last three games and lost them all" Lyude whispered to Savyna. "His money will run out before his bad luck does."  
"Luck has nothing to do with it" she hissed back. "Gibari is the worst poker player I've ever seen."   
Unfortunately for them, Gibari had overheard. "If you're going to whisper about people, at least do it softly enough where the person you're talking about can't hear you! And I'm NOT a bad poker player! I can whip all of you any day-except today. Today's a bad day."  
"From the sounds of things, so was yesterday, and tomorrow will be,too" Kalas smirked.  
A shouting match quickly erupted. Though the fight had started about a card game, by the time Xelha returned with the food, she found her friends yelling something about Kalas snoring and Gibari's goofy hairstyle.  
Xelha looked puzzled, but ignored the shouting. "Food's here" she called cheefully. "Meemai, where are you? I brought a special treat for you...Meemai? Has anyone seen Meemai"  
The fighting paused. "Hm? Meemai? Haven't seen the little fella all day" Kalas commented.  
Lyude glanced around, unable to find the greythorne. "I thought he was with you. Are you sure he's not"  
Xelha shook her head. "I left him here. Don't tell me you lost Meemai"  
"Don't worry. I'm sure he's here somewhere" Lyude tried to reassure her.  
"The Great Mizuti senses the prescence of a greythorne nearby" stated Mizuti in her usual self-important way.  
"I'm hungry" Gibari declared. "Let's eat and wait for Meemai to show up on his own." Reluctantly, Xelha agreed to postpone her search for the missing greythorne.

The fight soon forgotten, everyone began enjoying their meal. That is, until Lyude realized someone had eaten the last muffin. "Who ate the last muffin? I didn't get any"  
"Quit yer whinin' boy" Gibari said through a mouthful of muffin. "The shop's right over there. Just go get more."  
Sighing, Lyude pulled himself off the ground. He had just kicked off his boots a few minutes ago and now found himself having to put them back on his feet. For some reason, he couldn't seem to get the left one on his foot. Puzzled, he tried again. Something still prevented him from putting it on his foot. Losing patience, Lyude shoved his foot in the boot as hard as he could. Next thing the others knew, they heard a loud "SQUEEEEEEAK" followed by Lyude screaming. "YEOOOOWWCH" he cried. "There's something in there"  
Kalas grinned. "I think Lyude just found Meemai."  
Lyude yanked off the boot, revealing Meemai firmly attatched to his big toe. "Get it off! Get it off" he cried. "That hurts" He attempted to pull the creature off, but Meemai only became more frightened and clamped down harder on his foot.  
"That's not how you get a greythorne to do anything" Xelha scolded. "You have to be gentle. Poor Meemai is scared. Come here, Meemai. I have something that I'm sure tastes better than Lyude's feet." She offered the greythorne a cookie, and he squeaked happily, releasing Lyude's toe.   
Lyude looked down at his foot. The toe was bleeding slightly. "I hope greythorne bites aren't dangerous. Oh, I hope Meemai doesn't have rabies"  
"Should we get Larikush" Kalas asked.  
"Not necessary" Savyna stated simply. "No one has ever died from a greythorne bite. They're quite harmless."   
Lyude grumbled to himself"I didn't even know they had teeth"

Kalas cast an uncomfortable glance at Meemai. "I never knew greythornes could be so vicious."

"He's not vicious!" Xelha insisted. "He was just scared. Imagine how you would feel if you were suddenly cornered by a foot the size of your whole body." She picked up Meemai and began petting him and speaking in baby talk.

"What I wanna know," Gibari wondered out loud, "is what he was doing in Lyude's boot in the first place."

"Hm, well, when I got back from shopping, you all were fighting. Maybe the noised scared him and he hid," Xelha suggested.

Meanwhile, Lyude was hopping around clutching his injured foot. "It hurts! It hurts! That little monster almost bit off my toe!" he wailed.

"Despite what Savyna said about greythorne bites not being dangerous, I think we'd better find a way to disinfect the wound," Gibari said to know one in particular. "That bite could get infected. We probably should go see Larikush." To Lyude, he added, "Oh, grow up, you big baby!"

"I'm not a big baby!" he retorted. "This really hurts!"

"We should get going," Savyna said simply. The six of them started toward Larikush's house, with Lyude half-limping, half-hopping.

Kalas rolled his eyes. "Cut the melodrama. You're not dying or anything. What's with the weird walk?"

"It hurts to put pressure on it. I'm trying to avoid that. Unlike you, I can't just fly when walking is inconvenient."

"Whatever. We're almost there. I think people are starting to stare, though."

When Larikush answered his front door, he wasn't too surprised to see Kalas and his friends. What was surprising, though, was the explanation to why they were there. In fact, Larikush started laughing. "You say you were bitten by a greythorne hiding in your shoe? In all my years as a doctor, I've never seen anyone bitten by a greythorne. I didn't even know they were prone to biting. Are you sure you're not playing some kind of joke?"

Lyude looked annoyed. "Does this look like a joke to you?" he demanded, yanking off his boot to show the doctor his bleeding toe.

"That?" Larikush asked. "That's hardly a serious wound. You don't need a doctor, boy."

"Actually," Savyna said quietly, "we just came to see if you had some kind of disinfectant."

"Oh, well, in that case, here," he said, tossing a small bottle to Lyude. "Use this, then bandage it. You all may as well stay for awhile if you want. I have nothing to do, and it doesn't look like you do either."

"Doc, are you sure Lyude's gonna be okay? He's not going to turn into a greythorne when the moon is full and hop around making squeaky noises is he?" Kalas asked.

"Don't be stupid, Kalas," Mizuti scoffed. "That's werewolves."

"Speaking of greythornes," Xelha spoke up, "I think it's time Meemai and Lyude made amends. Say you're sorry for biting him, Meemai."

"Sq-squeeak."

"Now Lyude, say you're sorry for scaring Meemai and saying mean things about him."

"I'm sorry, Meemai."

"Good," Xelha smiled. "Now kiss and make up-Meemai, you first." She held Meemai up to Lyude's face, allowing the greythorne to lick his cheek. "Now you, Lyude."

"What? I'm not kissing Meemai!"

"Yes, you are," insisted Xelha. "He's not dirty or anything. Look, you're making him sad."

Lyude sighed. "Fine. I'll kiss him." He placed a light kiss on top of the creature's head. "You're not a bad greythorne, really. No more biting, all right?"

"Squeak squeak!"

By now, Kalas was getting restless. "Man, I'm bored!" he groaned. "Isn't there anything to do around here? Wait, I know!" He paused for a dramatic effect. "Let's go Pow tipping!"

"Pow tipping? What be Pow tipping?" Mizuti asked. If it hadn't been hidden by her mask, the others would have seen a curious look on her face.

"I've never heard of that either," Xelha agreed. "What is it?"

Kalas grinned. "You know Pows sleep standing up, right?"

"I've never given Pows much thought one way or another," Lyude responded.

"Well, they do. Pow tipping is exactly what it sounds like-you walk up to a sleeping Pow and try to push it over."

Xelha looked concerned. "Doesn't that hurt the Pow?

"Well, it can," Kalas admitted. "In fact, it can even kill the Pow. But they're going to be eaten anyway, so why does it matter?"

"You're awful, Kalas!" Xelha shrieked. "Those Pows never did anything to you!"

"Yes," agreed Lyude. "That sounds rather unkind."

"Not to mention the farmers really hate it," added Gibari. "Unless you want to be run out of town with a pitchfork, I suggest you find something else to do."

"That's part of the fun. If you don't want to come, fine. Be boring." With that, Kalas headed for the door. "I'm going without you," he called as he exited the house.

"This not be good," Mizuti observed.


	2. I Told You This Was a Bad Idea!

Kalas started down the village path, grumbling to himself. "Losers! If they don't want to have any fun, let them be boring!" It didn't take him long to find a pasture full of Pows. He glanced around, checking to make sure nobody was watching. When he was certain he wouldn't be seen, he took a moment to size up his "prey." The pasture was home to a dozen or so fat Pows, all swishing their tails and chewing contentedly mouthfuls of grass. None of them looked up when Kalas climbed over the fence into the pasture. "Now which one looks most vulnerable?" he muttered aloud. He selected a Pow that was (at least in his opinion) particularly stupid-looking and began to slowly advance toward it. When he got close enough, he made his move and shoved with all his might.

Unfortunately, Kalas forgot something important-most people go Pow-tipping at night when the Pows are asleep in order to catch them off-guard. The Pow, which was wide awake, let out a startled "MOOOOO!" and instinctively did what any frightened Pow would do, which was to kick Kalas as hard as it possibly could. The Pow's hoof connected with Kalas's shin, and he feel to the ground, howling in pain.

All the noise Kalas was making inevitably attracted attention. A rather chubby old man in overalls came running to the pasture, shouting and waving a pitchfork. "Boy, what do you think you're doing? You trying to knock over my Pows?" Kalas knew he was in trouble, so he vaulted back over the fence and started running as fast as he could. The farmer gave chase, still hollering and swinging the pitchfork. "Get back here, boy! I'm gonna teach you not to mess with my Pows!"

As the farmer chased Kalas through the village streets, people stopped what they were doing to watch the strange show. Laughing children trotted after the farmer, enjoying the chase, while curious adults followed to see if a fight would result. Though the farmer continued his pursuit, Kalas was faster than the fat old man and arrived back at Larikush's house before the crowd could catch him. He practically dived through the front door and bolted it behind him, gasping for breath.

"What happened, Kalas? Did the farmers get angry and chase after you like I said they would?" Gibari smirked. "I told you it wasn't a good idea."

"Shut up, Gibari," Kalas panted. "Just shut up." He flopped into a chair and began trying to catch his breath. His friends didn't seem to be doing anything, but doing nothing suddenly seemed like a good idea after his close encounter with the farmer. After a few moments, Kalas realized that the old farmer hadn't come banging on the door and demanding he come out and fight. He relaxed a bit. Maybe the farmer had decided he wasn't worth pursuing. He grabbed a muffin from a plate on the table and stuffed it into his mouth.

"Careful, Kalas," Xelha giggled. "Save some muffins for Lyude. You saw how he acts when he doesn't get any muffins."

"Doesn't matter," Kalas said through his full mouth. "Looks like Carrot Top over there is asleep." Lyude was leaning against a wall with Meemai on his lap. Both of them were asleep. "Looks like those two put aside their differences awfully quickly."

"Awww," Xelha cooed. "Isn't he cute?"

"Who? Meemai or Lyude?" Kalas asked.

"I was talking about Meemai, but Lyude's pretty adorable, too."

"Oooh, Xelha likes Lyude!" Mizuti cried excitedly.

"No I don't!" Xelha insisted. "I mean, only as a friend. I 'like' like somebody else."

"Who?"

Xelha blushed. "I'm not saying."

"Tell us!" Mizuti urged.

"Leave her alone," Savyna said quietly. "If she doesn't want to say, it's none of our business."

Their conversation was interrupted by a loud pounding at the door. "Larikush, open up now!" an angry voice demanded from outside.

"Larikush! Don't open it!" Kalas begged.

"I'm sorry, Kalas," said the doctor, "but it sounds like someone could be in trouble."

"If you open that door, I'm the one who's going to be in trouble," Kalas insisted. Larikush ignored him, though, and opened the door.

"Where's that blue-haired punk?" yelled a familiar voice. "I caught him trying to tip my Pows."

"We don't like Pow tippers in Cebalrai! You'd better not be sheltering a Pow-tipper," added another. Kalas peeked out the door. He only remembered being chased by one farmer, but it looked like all the farmers in the village had assembled outside Larikush's house carrying pitchforks, sickles, and other sharp and dangerous farming tools.

One of the villagers spotted Kalas and addressed him threateningly. "We don't mind travelers here, as long as they don't cause trouble."

"However," another chimed in, "by harassing the livestock, you've just worn out your welcome. Leave the village now!"

"And what if I don't?" Kalas demanded, hands on his hips.

"Then," sneered the owner of the Pows, "we'll have to make you." The crowd brandished their weapons menacingly.

"Kalas, I'm afraid you'd better do what they say if you want to avoid any trouble," Larikush advised. "These people take their animals very seriously."

"Come on, guys, you're not really letting these morons intimidate you, are you?" Kalas looked at his companions expectantly.

"We should leave,"Gibari stated. "These people obviously want a fight, but we can't afford that now."

"The odds of winning against this many people are too slim to risk. Let's move," Savyna agreed.

"The Great Mizuti not like this at all."

"Fine, fine," Kalas grumbled. "Let's go. But first, somebody should wake up Lyude, unless you want to leave him here."

Xelha looked shocked at the suggestion. "With this angry mob? Kalas, you can't be serious!" She picked Meemai up off Lyude's lap, then shook Lyude gently. "Wake up. We have to leave right now!"

"Huh? What?" Lyude looked confused.

"We'll explain on the way. For now, we have to get moving." Gibari yanked Lyude to his feet.

When the Kalas and his friends left the house as the farmers asked, that should have been the end of things, but the mob mentality had begun to take effect, and the angry villagers began to chase them. "Come back here so we can whoop yer asses!" somebody yelled. "We'll teach you to tip Pows in Cebalrai!"

The group didn't stop running until they reached the place where they had left the White Dragon. All six scrambled onto her back as fast as they could. "We have to get out of here," Xelha whispered to the dragon urgently. "It doesn't matter where we go, just take us somewhere!" The dragon beat her massive wings and lifted herself off the ground just as the mob caught up to them. As they rose into the air, everyone could hear the angry shouts growing fainter and fainter beneath them.

"Nice going, kid," Gibari snapped. "I warned you about Pow tipping, but you didn't listen, and now you got us chased out of town by an angry mob. I hope you're happy."

"You think I wanted this to happen?" Kalas shouted back.

Savyna wore a smug expression. "Maybe next time you'll listen to good advice."

Lyude smacked his forehead in disgust. "Can you _please_ stop your bickering?" In an attempt to distract them from the developing argument, he inquired, "Where are we going, anyway?"

Mizuti pulled a compass out of her pocket. "We be heading north by northwest. The Great Mizuti estimates we be on a straight course for Mintaka."

Kalas groaned. "Oh great. It seems like every time we go there, something bad happens."

A little voice inside Kalas's head reminded him, "That might be because you can't keep yourself out of trouble."

"Oh, shut up!" Kalas said out loud. This Guardian Spirit could really be annoying sometimes.


	3. The Adverse Effects of Desert Fire

The White Dragon touched down at the port in Mitaka after a long and somewhat argument-filled flight. By then, everyone was cranky and exhausted. "Okay, so we're here. Now what do we do?"

Kalas glanced around the city as if he expected to magically find an answer. Of course, none came.

"How about eating?" Gibari suggested the first thing that came to mind, which in his case happened to be the thing most often on his mind anyway.

"Let me guess? You're so hungry, you could eat a Pow?" Lyude grinned.

"How'd you know I was going to say that?"

"You always say that."

Kalas was beginning to lose patience. "The more you talk, the more time you waste when we could be eating. Where in this city can we get food? Alfard hasn't developed some fancy technological substitute for food yet, right?" Kalas wondered if that was even possible.

Lyude took this as a personal insult against his people. "Of course we eat food here! What do you think we are, machines?"

"Everything else here is a machine, so why not the people?" Kalas smirked. Annoying Lyude was too much fun. "In fact, I think this machine here is malfunctioning. It's not supposed to make this much noise." He poked Lyude's shoulder. "Nope. Not working at all. What do you think we should do, guys? Send it to the junkyard?"

Lyude gave him an irritated look. "You're not funny. Anyway, I know of a place where we can get something to eat. It's not too far from here."

"What about over there?" Xelha suggested, pointing to a nearby building. "That looks like a restaurant of some kind."

"That's a tavern," Savyna stated.

"Who cares?" Kalas demanded. "Taverns serve food, right? I don't care where we go as long as we get food."

"She's right. Not that place; it's not a good idea," Lyude agreed."

"Doesn't look like there's anything wrong with it to me," Gibari said.

"The Great Mizuti be hungry!"

"No!" Xelha cried. "We can't take Mizuti to a bar! I don't drink anyway. Let's find another place."

Lyude nodded in agreement. "I'm not going in there, either. That place is a hangout for Imperial soldiers. I don't want to run into anyone I know. If we go in there, we'll be asking for trouble."

"Fine then. You two can go somewhere else and meet us back here." Gibari headed toward the door. "You two coming?"

Kalas followed behind him. "I'm hungry. I don't care who's in there. Savyna?"

"Fine," she sighed. "I may as well come to make sure you two stay out of trouble. Personally, I think Lyude and Xelha made the wiser choice. Oh, and Kalas, don't let on that you're underage. As long as you look old enough to drink, they won't ask questions in here." The three older members of the group entered the bar.

Lyude shook his head. "I have a bad feeling they're going to regret this."

The bar was dimly lit and rather noisy. It seemed that since Geldoblame's death, most of the remaining soldiers had nothing better to do than sit around drinking and wondering what they were going to do next. Kalas immediately spotted two familiar faces at a table near the bar.

"Whoo-hoo, look at me!" Folon shouted, jumping on the table and dumping a mug of beer on his head. "I'm making it rain!"

His companion, Ayme, smacked him on the back of the head, making a loud thumping sound. "Idiot!" she snapped. "Why do you always do things like this? You make both of us look like fools!" Sighing disgustedly, she sank down in her chair, face buried in her hands. It was evident she didn't want to be seen with her insane friend.

"Is he drunk?" Kalas whispered to Savyna. "With him, it's a little hard to tell."

"He always looks drunk, even when he isn't," Savyna replied, taking a seat at a table near the door. "But this time, I'd say he actually _is _drunk."

"We have plenty of time to watch Folon act stupid," Gibari insisted. "Let's get our food first. Kalas, if you want beer, I'll order it for you. You heard what Savyna said-they won't ask questions here.

"

They didn't have to wait long. A serving girl had seen them enter and approached them only seconds after they took their seats. "Hi. What can I get for you this evening?" She giggled like an idiot and batted her eyelashes at Kalas. "Will you start with drinks?"

Not one to waste words, Savyna said simply, "Three beers, please."

"Okay," the girl giggled again. "Are you sure I can't interest you in Desert Fire? It's our specialty."

"What's 'Desert Fire'?" Kalas whispered.

"It's Mintaka whiskey," Savyna answered. "It's really strong. I don't recommend you..."

Kalas interrupted her. "What the hell, I'm feeling brave today. Give me a shot of that."

"Will that be all?"

Savyna paused for a moment. "You'd better add three bowls of stew to that order. If my friends here don't get food soon, I'm afraid things could get ugly."

The serving girl giggled again. She was really starting to get annoying. "Of course. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Isn't that right?" She winked at Kalas and left to get the food.

At that point, Folon had jumped back on the table and was now doing the "Funky Chicken" while cackling maniacally. Ayme looked like she was ready to die of embarrassment...or kill him, one or the other.

When the girl arrived with the drinks, Kalas eagerly grabbed his shot glass. "Well, here goes!" he announced, pouring it down his throat. "Whoah, this is some strong stuff!"

"I warned you..." Savyna began, but Kalas interrupted.

"Waitress! Another shot!" he yelled.

"Of course, cutie, coming right up!" she smiled flirtatiously at him.

"Kalas, be careful," Savyna urged. "More than a couple of shots of that will get you wasted."

Kalas grinned. "Exactly."

Gibari groaned. "Oh, no. He's gonna get smashed, then we'll have to babysit him when he's too drunk to walk straight."

"Oh come on, I'm not going to get _that_ drunk," Kalas insisted. "Just a couple of shots."

"A couple of shots of Desert Fire is enough to get you _that drunk_!" Savyna glared at him. "I really wouldn't advise..."

By that time, the serving girl had come back with a second shot. Kalas gulped it down and was asking for a third before she even left the table.

"Careful, hon. This stuff is really strong. You don't want to drink too much."

Three shots of Desert Fire later, Kalas was feeling lightheaded, but also bolder than usual. He looked around the room. Folon was sitting on the bar (much to the annoyance of the bartender) singing in a loud, off-key voice, but Kalas wasn't paying attention to that. He noticed a young woman in an officer's uniform sitting by herself in a far corner of the room. He brushed off his shirt, put on his most suave (or at least in his mind) smile, and approached her.

"Hey, miss. Why's a pretty girl like you sitting alone?" He flashed an idiotic grin.

"That's none of your business," she replied shortly. "Please don't bother me."

Ignoring her request, he continued. "Can I buy you a drink? You're not here with anyone, are you?"

"No, and no, but I thought I just said to leave me alone."

"Bartender!" Kalas hollered. "A drink for the lady here!"

The bartender brought the drink himself, and Kalas handed it to the woman. "Here. Take this as a token of my friendship...and who knows, maybe it could become more."

She glared at him. "I said, _I don't want a drink_! Now please go away." She looked really irritated by now, but Kalas was too drunk to notice.

"Come on. A sexy lady like you doesn't need to be lonely. So, what brings you here? Trouble in your life?" He put and arm around her shoulder, but she shoved it away.

"If I tell you, will you go away? I'm here because I have nothing better to do. Now get out of my sight!"

Kalas smirked. "No sight, huh? What about touch?"

The woman looked ready to explode. "Look, you creep, I don't know who you are or what you want, but I've had about enough of you. I grew up fighting with my brothers and beating the living daylights out of them, so don't think I can't do the same to you." She clenched and unclenched her fists, trying to hold back her anger.

"Ooh, I like my women feisty," Kalas grinned.

The female officer had finally had enough. WHACK! She punched Kalas as hard as she could, connecting with his nose. Immediately, blood began to drip from both nostrils.

"YEEEOW! My nose! I think it's broken!" Kalas howled. Gibari and Savyna had been enjoying their meal peacefully and only just now noticed what their drunken friend was doing.

"Kalas, what the hell did you do?" Gibari shouted.

"We'd best get him out of here before he does anything stupider," Savyna agreed. Together they managed to drag Kalas out of the bar and onto the street, his nose still bleeding.

A moment later, Folon went flying past them. It seemed the bartender had had enough of his drunken antics and physically thrown him out the door. Ayme followed closely, grumbling something that sounded like "You moron."

When Lyude, Xelha, and Mizuti returned, they found Kalas sitting on bench, head titled back and holding a cloth to his nose.

"Kalas!" Xelha cried. "What happened? Are you hurt?"

"It looks like Kalas's nose be bleeding," Mizuti observed. "What did Kalas do to his nose?"

"It's a long story," Gibari grumbled.

"Basically, he got drunk and started flirting with the wrong woman," Savyna explained, sighing.

"Yeah," Kalas agreed. "She was _mean!_ Some red-headed bitch with a nasty left hook."

"She punched you?" Xelha looked concerned. "Why?"

"Didn't you hear Savyna?" Gibari asked. "He was hitting on an Imperial officer, she got pissed off at him, so she slugged him."

Lyude muttered half to the others and half to himself, "Red-haired female officer with a nasty punch...I have a bad feeling about this." He poked his head inside the tavern door, then withdrew it after a quick glance. "I was afraid of this. I wish I had been here. I could have told Kalas hitting on my sister was a bad idea."


	4. Guess What's For Dinner?

Eep! I forgot the disclaimer in the first chapter! My apologies to Namco, Monolith Soft, and Tri-Crescendo. They own Baten Kaitos, not me.

"Great," Gibari muttered to himself. "Now what are we going to eat? Thanks to Kalas, we never got to finish our food."

Xelha overheard him. "We didn't get to eat either. The restaurant Lyude wanted to go to was closed."

"Great Mizuti still be hungry!"

Gibari rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, we know. Let's find someplace else, preferably one without alcohol." He glanced at Kalas, who was now dancing in the street. Apparently his nose had stopped bleeding. "Should we pretend we don't know him?"

"Let's leave him here," Savyna smirked.

"Oh, Savyna!" Xelha cried. "Don't even joke like that! Kalas needs us more than ever."

"You take care of him, then. I don't want to be responsible for anything stupid he might do."

Meanwhile, Kalas and Folon had joined together to sing the world's worst drunken duet. The words were inaudible, though, as they were drowned out by the young men's near-maniacal laughter. That was probably a good thing, since they were both horribly off-key.

"Ack! Stop it! You're hurting my ears!" Lyude complained. To his musically-trained ear, their singing was nothing short of painful.

"Well, _excuse me_, Mr. Music Snob," Folon slurred. "I bet you can't do any better."

Lyude crossed his arms over his chest, annoyed. "It wouldn't be hard for a dying cat to sound better than you."

"Oh yeah?" demanded Folon, balling a fist and shaking it in Lyude's face. "Let's just see about that!"

"Folon!" Ayme snapped. "That's _enough_!" She grabbed him by the collar, dragging him away from Kalas and friends.

"The Great Mizuti needs food now, or the Great Mizuti will become cranky," Mizuti announced.

"So where are we gonna eat?" Gibari asked again. "What about Lyude's house?"

"Oh, _sure_. That's a great idea," Lyude said sarcastically. "I'm sure it will be loads of fun _getting shot_!"

"Wow, someone's in a pissy mood today," Savyna remarked. "What happened?"

Xelha giggled. "A man we met on the street mistook Lyude for a woman. He's been grumpy ever since."

"It's not funny!" Lyude insisted. "I DO NOT look like a girl!"

"Standing around arguing isn't going to get us fed any sooner," Savyna reminded him. "Let's go."

Gibari glanced at Kalas, who was wandering aimlessly in circles."What are we gonna do about Kalas, though? Drag him?"

"Whatever it takes to get him moving, I guess," Savyna turned to look at Kalas, then shook her head. "Looks like someone is going to have to lead him by the hand. I don't think he's capable of walking in a straight line at the moment, much less finding his way around a strange city."

Xelha wasn't going to miss the opportunity to hold Kalas's hand. She took his hand and gently tugged his arm. "Come on, Kalas," she said soothingly. "Let's go. We're going to get some food. Aren't you hungry?" Kalas gave her a confused stare but started walking.

The group continued along the street, hoping to find someplace–_anyplace _that might serve food. The search wasn't going well, and everyone's patience was running thin. Suddenly, Kalas shouted, "Look! A fluffpup!" At first, the others ignored this as one of his idiotic drunken ramblings, until they saw that there was, in fact, a small white fluffpup sitting in a nearby alley.

"Aw, it's so cute!" Xelha cooed. "Do you think it's lost?"

Lyude looked thoughtful. "Didn't that older couple who live by the port say they lost their baby fluffpups? Maybe this is one of theirs."

"Let's take it back to them," Savyna suggested. Then, she grinned. "There could be a reward attached to this puppy's return."

"It would probably be a big reward," added Mizuti. "Those people looked loaded."

Kalas stared at her blankly. "Loaded with what?" he slurred.

"Money, you idiot," she explained. "It means they're wealthy. Rich. Loaded with cash."

"How could you even think about money?" Xelha demanded. "The important thing is getting this poor baby back home!"

Savyna replied simply, "Because we need money to buy food."

Not even Xelha could argue with this. The group turned back toward the port, with Gibari holding the wigging puppy and Xelha still dragging the drunken Kalas by the hand. When they reached the house, Kalas began banging on the door. "YEOWCH!" he cried, immediately sticking his fist in his mouth, trying to ease the throbbing. In his drunkenness, he had forgotten the houses in Mintaka were made of metal.

A well-dressed old woman answered the door. "Yes, may I help you? Unless you're selling something. If that's the case, go away!"

"Actually," Xelha began, "we were looking for a place to eat when we found this fluffpup in a deserted alley. Is it yours?" Gibari held up the dog for her to inspect.

"Why, yes, I believe this is one of our missing puppies. Thank you so much! Why don't you come inside?" She called to her husband, "Look what these nice young people found! They brought one of our fluffpups home!"

"Eh? So they did!" the old man exclaimed joyfully. "Bring them inside!"

"Did you say you were on your way to get something to eat?" the old lady asked. "Why not eat here instead?"

"Sounds good to me," Gibari nodded enthusiastically. "What about the rest of you?" Not surprisingly, nobody objected.

The old woman picked up the fluffpup and carried it into the house. "You just have a seat at the table, and I'll be right back with your food." A few minutes later, she returned with six plates full of...something. It looked like it might have been stew.

"Eat up," their hostess encouraged cheerfully. "If you're still hungry, there's plenty more."

"What is this?" Gibari wondered aloud, poking at a chunk of meat with his fork.

"I think it might be meat with gravy," Xelha answered, "but I'm not sure. We should try it, just to be polite." She didn't look ready to take her own advice, though. "It looks like Kalas is enjoying it." Kalas was shoveling the "stew" into his mouth as fast as possible and making no attempt to eat politely either. Perhaps the alcohol had impaired his ability to notice the strangeness of the dish.

Though he was hungry and would normally have been pigging out by this time, Gibari still hesitated before finally working up the courage to take his first bite. " It's...interesting," he reported. "Is this something typically served in Alfard?"

"Not that I know of," Savyna replied. "At least, I've never seen anything like it before." She eyed her plate suspiciously before spearing a hunk of meat with her fork and shoving it in her mouth before she could change her mind about it.

Lyude made a face and forced himself to swallow. "This is worse than army food!" he whispered.

"How bad be army food?" Mizuti asked him. "Can it truly be as bad as this? This stuff is awful. Horrible. Not fit for eating."

"It's pretty bad. Why do you think there aren't any fat Imperial soldiers?"

Gibari scratched his head, thinking. "Hey, wasn't there are sign in the Imperial Fortress saying the punishment for stealing food was cleaning toilets? If it's that bad, why would anyone steal it?"

"Very few soldiers have ever been caught stealing food because almost nobody likes it enough to steal it," Lyude explained. "The punishment for not finishing food is 200 push-ups, and most everyone agrees that doing push-ups is less miserable than being forced to eat army food." He glanced at his plate. "I'm beginning to think 1000 push-ups would be preferable to finishing this stuff...whatever it is."

"Give it to Kalas. He likes it." Xelha giggled. Almost in unison, the other five slowly pushed their plates toward Kalas, ready to shout at him to please take it.

Suddenly, the old woman returned from the kitchen. "I'm so sorry!" she cried. "I've made a terrible mistake."

"What mistake?" Savyna asked, pretending ignorance while at the same time knowing perfectly well the woman's cooking was a_ huge_ mistake.

"I...I accidentally gave you the wrong food. This isn't the stew I was cooking for tonight's supper."

"Then what is it?" five voices chorused together. Kalas was still stuffing his face.

"I'm sorry. The truth is, I sort of...gave you dog food instead."

"_DOG FOOD_?" Everyone (besides Kalas, who was still eating) instantly forgot about manners and spit the offending food back onto the plates.

"It's all right," Xelha tried to assure the old lady, but even she couldn't appear sincere. The others weren't even trying to be polite at this point. Lyude looked nauseous, Savyna was casting murderous glares around the room, Gibari had dropped his plate on the floor for the fluffpups, and Mizuti was making exaggerated gagging noises.

"This is good stuff, lady!" Kalas grinned through a mouthful of dog food. "Can I have another plate?"

"Um, I'm sorry, ma'am, but we er...have to go now," Xelha mumbled, grabbing Kalas by the arm. "Come on, Kalas." Everyone else dashed out of the house as quickly as humanly possible, hands clamped over their mouths.

Kalas just stared at them the same way he'd been staring all evening. "What's wrong? It was perfectly good stew."


	5. The Return of Folon and Ayme

Thanks to everyone who has reviewed. Glad you're enjoying this.

Our heroes soon found themselves wandering around the Nihal Desert, going nowhere fast.

"Man, my head really hurts!" Kalas complained, clutching his forehead.

"Well, if you hadn't decided to drink all that Desert Fire and get completely wasted last night, you wouldn't have that problem," Savyna pointed out. "I don't feel sorry for you."

"I don't even remember last night. What happened? And why does my nose hurt, too?"

Lyude held up a hand and began counting the previous day's events on his fingers. "First, you insisted on going into a bar full of Imperial soldiers. As if that wasn't asking for trouble, you apparently drank a few too many shots of Desert Fire. _Then_ you tried to hit on my sister, and she punched you in the face. After your nose stopped bleeding, you and Folon gave what was possibly the world's worst-ever musical performance in the middle of the street. Then you ate dog food."

"Actually, we all ate the dog food," Gibari reminded him. "I still get sick thinking about it."

Lyude considered this point for a moment. "True, but Kalas was the only one who kept eating it after we found out what it was."

"Kalas was stupid yesterday," Mizuti agreed.

"I _still_ don't remember any of this," he insisted. "Anyway, that doesn't explain why we're wandering around the middle of a desert."

Xelha decided she needed to fill him in on the current situation. "Lyude's brother and sister caught up with us. They chased us out of the city with guns."

"Heh, I guess that explains it how we got here, but what are we doing wandering aimlessly?"

"We're looking for Magnus. We need better cards to defeat Malpercio, remember?" Savyna asked sarcastically. "Or did you forget that while you were drunk, too?"

"Would you lay off me already?" Kalas snapped. "I did something dumb, okay? It's not like you've never done anything stupid in your life."

Savyna raised an eyebrow at him as a warning. "Don't get snippy with me. You _don't_ want to make me mad."

Gibari interrupted suddenly with a yell. "Hey, look! An oasis!"

"This better be a _real_ oasis, Gibari," Savyna shook her head. "The last three you've seen were mirages."

"Hey, it's not my fault the heat is getting to me," Gibari said defensively. "I'm sure this one is real!"

"I see it, too!" Xelha exclaimed. "We should refill our Blank Magnus."

Lyude scanned their decks quickly. "She's right. We're low on pristine water."

"We should eat as long as we're here, too," Kalas added.

The group plopped themselves down on the sand near the water. Big mistake.

"Ow! My butt! That sand is HOT!" Kalas shouted.

"What does Kalas expect? This be a desert." Mizuti hadn't bothered to sit down; she just continued floating in her normal fashion. "Perhaps you should sit on a blanket. That would be smart. The sensible thing to do."

"Heh, not like we're using 'em to keep warm," Gibari shrugged, tossing a few blankets on the sand. The others (except Mizuti, who kept floating) sat down, this time not burning their backsides.

"Whew, I'm sweating like a...what animal sweats a lot?" Kalas looked sort of confused.

"Geldoblame jogging up and down a staircase?" Lyude suggested, then regretted it. "Ugh, I don't want to picture that." He shrugged off his jacket, immediately attracting Meemai's attention.

"Squeak?" The Greythorne poked the jacket with his nose, then crawled inside. Everyone could hear a muffled "squeak squeak" coming from inside the sleeve.

"Why is that greythorne so fascinated with my clothes?" Lyude poked at the creature that was inside his jacket. "Come out, Meemai. We don't need another biting incident."

"Come on out," Xelha coaxed. "I have a cookie, Meemai." With an excited squeak, Meemai hopped out of Lyude's jacket and onto Xelha's lap. He snatched the cookie, gulped it down, then jumped into the pool of water, where he began hopping up and down, squeaking happily.

"That looks like a good idea," Kalas commented. "I'm burning up." He grabbed the nearest object and wiped his sweaty face on it. Unfortunately, that nearest object was Lyude's jacket.

"Gross! Kalas, wipe your sweaty face on your own clothes!"

"Heh heh, sorry Lyude. It's too late for that. I'll wash it for you." Kalas flung the jacket into the water, where it landed next to a puzzled Meemai.

"Great, that just makes it worse." Lyude threw up his hands in exasperation, then waded out into the pool to retrieve his soggy jacket. Stuffing his arms back into the sleeves, he noticed he felt a lot cooler. "Kalas, you should toss your cape in here. Wet clothes might help you cool off a little."

Before anyone could respond or jump in the water, Gibari let out a shout. "Over there! Iron Beetle!"

"Gibari, I swear, if this is another mirage..."Savyna started, but stopped in mid-sentence. "There _is _an Iron Beetle. Everyone, prepare yourselves for battle."

The group readied their weapons, waiting. The Iron Beetle continued to advance, then suddenly, it stopped. A moment later, Folon jumped out, followed by an irate-looking Ayme.

"Woo-hoo!" Folon shouted. "That was GREAT!"

"Folon, I just don't understand you. We would have been in Azha a long time ago if we'd taken a faster vehicle."

"But I wanted to drive an Iron Beetle. You never let me drive one."

"That's because the one time you tried, you had the thing in reverse and backed into the Imperial Fortress...six times."

Folon grinned. "Accidents happen, Ayme. Besides, nothing bad happened this time, right?"

"What do you mean 'nothing bad happened?" Ayme demanded. "We're lost in the middle of a desert!" Turning toward Kalas and the others, she changed to a less threatening tone. "Would any of you happen to know which way Azha is from here? We were supposed to rendevous with Commander Azdar, but SOMEBODY got us lost." With the last comment, she glared murderously at Folon.

Folon tried to look innocent. "Why do you have to blame me? You don't know where we are either."

Ayme was seething with rage at this point. "Well, neither of us would have gotten lost if you'd been paying attention to where we were going instead of playing "I Spy" with your imaginary friends!"

"Pardon me for asking," Lyude interjected, "but why are you heading towards Azha with an Iron Beetle? Wouldn't that make the citizens think you were planning an attack? If you don't mind me saying so, it's not the most practical vehicle for your purpose, either. It's a tank, not a transport vehicle."

Ayme sighed disgustedly. "Because Blue Boy over there wouldn't stop whining at me until I let him drive an Iron Beetle. Now we're lost and late for our meeting with the commander. And in case you're wondering, no, we're not going to attack the village. We were supposed to come in and clear the area of any monsters that may still be roaming around."

"Like that monster over there?" Xelha gestured over her shoulder.

"Don't be silly, Xelha." Savyna chided. "That's not a monster. It's just a giant lizard. Wait a minute, _giant lizard_!"

"There are no giant lizards in Alfard." Lyude reminded her.

"Then what's that thing doing here?" Xelha started backing away slowly. "Nice lizard, nice lizard..."

"Oh," Folon grinned idiotically. "That's not a monster. That's my pet lizard. I got him in Anuenue. His name is Slithers. Come here, Slithers!" Folon called to him as if he was calling a dog. "Here, Slithers! Here boy!" Slithers just sat there, ignoring Folon and flicking his tongue every so often.

Mizuti chuckled from behind her mask. "The Great Mizuti doesn't think the lizard be listening."

"Come on, Slithers," Folon urged the lizard. "You're making me look stupid. Come here right now!"

Ayme rolled her eyes disgustedly."Folon, it's not that hard to make you look stupid, especially if a lizard can do it."

Folon wasn't listening, though. Something else had caught his attetntion, and that something was a small metal device with a large red button in the center.

"Folon, what are you doing?" Ayme asked, worried. "That doesn't look like such a good idea."

Folon ignored her and proceeded to press the red button. With a loud BOOM, the Iron Beetle exploded into a million pieces. When the smoke cleared and everyone had finished coughing, Ayme was fuming.

"Folon, you idiot! Why did you destroy our one means of transportation?"

He was staring at the site of the explosion with a dopey grin on his face. "I always wanted to blow up an Iron Beetle!" he replied enthusiastically. "Wasn't that _cool_?"

"No, it's _not_ cool!" Ayme snapped. "Now we have to walk to Azha. Do you realize that?"

Folon was silent for a moment, considering her point. "Oops..."

"Hey, I have an idea!" piped up Xelha cheerfully. "We can take the White Dragon to Azha!"

"But Xel, we left her in Mintaka, remember?" Kalas reminded her.

"That's okay. No matter where she is, if I whistle, she'll come. We share a special bond." Xelha put her fingers to her lips and blew shrilly. The others covered their ears.

"Did you have to make it so high-pitched?" Lyude whined, grimacing like he'd been punched in the gut. "I think you may have ruptured my eardrum."

"Quit yer dramatics, boy. It's not that bad." Yet as he spoke these words, Gibari was removing his fingers from his own ears. "Now what do we do?"

"We wait." Xelha said simply. "Now, what should we do until the White Dragon arrives?"

"Let's play I Spy!" cried Folon. "I spy something kind of a brownish color."

"Sand!" everybody shouted at once, annoyed with Folon's stupidity.

"This is a freaking desert, Folon. Sand is all you'll be spying!" Kalas glared at him.

"If you don't like that idea, let's go swimming!" Folon wasted no time jumping into the pool of water beside Meemai, splashing twice as much as the greythorne. "This is fun! I'm a duck. Quack quack!"

Savyna gave Folon a disapproving look. "Ayme, how do you put up with him? I never understood that."

Ayme shrugged. "Sometimes I don't either."

After what seemed like forever, the White Dragon finally appeared overhead. No sooner had she placed her enormous feet on the ground, eight heat-strained people hopped onto her back at once. "Take us to Azha," Xelha gently instructed the giant flying reptile.

As the dragon lifted off, Folon squealed with delight. "We're flying!"

"Retard, we've flown before," Ayme reminded him. "Don't get so excited."

"But we've never flown on a dragon! Look, Slithers! It looks like you, but with wings!" He gripped the lizard tightly. "Isn't this fun?"

Ayme sighed. "Folon, are you high again?"

"I forget."

"You're impossible."

"Let's sing!" Folon cried jubilantly.

"NO!" chorused seven other voices in unison.

Folon ignored them. "_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and THIS IS HOW IT GOES!" _

Ayme smacked him upside his thick two-toned head."YOU'RE getting on everybody's nerves. If you don't stop that, I'll toss you right off this flying lizard."

"This going to be a long trip," Mizuti observed. The others nodded in agreement.


End file.
